- Will Jamieson paints a picture of the prime minister getting a taste of his own medicine.
He sits in a swivel chair inside the make-up trailer. He rolls up his navy blue tie and watches it quickly unravel. The experts talk him through it, assuring him as they hand him a shiny white hard hat. The make-up artist darts across the mirror in front of him.
-Morning Mister Prime Minister, how are we today?
– Absolutely super, if you can make me look vaguely human.
Smiling, he raises his eyebrows, leaving a polite gap for her reaction. She flushes a chuckle from her nose and wipes away the remains of his grin with her foundation brush.
-Ten minutes, Prime Minister!
He fidgets. He wonders if waxing the area was entirely necessary, but Ed had said:
-It’s the extra mile David, it’s demonstrating your mettle as a leader, solving the domestic energy crisis. If it’s good enough for the Prime Minister etc.
Still, it made everything so unseemly. Though Samantha seemed to like it. Balcombe isn’t the Alaskan North Slope, thank God.
-All done, pet.
She’d got it all wrong. Looks different under the glare of the cameras, they tell him. Why couldn’t they get Nick Clegg to do it again?
– Five minutes, Prime Minister!
He breathes in deeply and looks in the mirror. This is the very stuff that leaders are made of.
-It’s time, Prime Minister. Good luck, Prime Minister.
David Cameron stares ahead at his tie flapping in the Sussex breeze. An orderly lowers his trousers. The wind has a cooling effect on the hairless skin of his scrotum. The downward-facing harness suspends him above the ground. He can barely make out the tittering and guffawing of the press at the minimum fifty-foot distance. Very soothing, these fields. On each side of him are an equal number of medical and engineering professionals wearing facemasks and giving a thumbs-up. He winces as a metal speculum is inserted into his anus.
-Please relax, Prime Minister
-Just relax, Prime Minister, the fracking fluid has been warmed to body temperature.
-I appreciate the thought.
-It helps if you cough.
David Cameron clears the back of his throat as the speculum is widened. Whispering. Occupational or salacious?
-Is it too wide for you sir?
-No, no it’s absolutely fine; you guys are doing a great job.
-Thank you sir. That’s wide enough. Bring the fracking fluid!
A large blue hose with nozzle is hauled across the field. A doctor sprays disinfectant into the anus of David Cameron while an engineer measures the circumference. The speculum is removed and the nozzle is affixed to David Cameron’s body. Somebody behind him nods. A murmuring warmth spreads inside, excess fluid spills out onto his white feet.
Fracking wasn’t so bad after all, thought David Cameron.
David Cameron has recently expressed his support for hydraulic fracturing, or ‘fracking’, the process of drilling and injecting fluid into the ground at a high pressure in order to fracture shale rocks to release natural gas inside.