- Adam Morby takes a wander around New Cross to try out the best of the greasy spoon breakfasts the area has to offer.
GOLDSMITH’S CAFÉ, 25 Lewisham Way.
VALUE FOR MONEY 4/5
Goldsmith’s is certainly the best all-rounder. The breakfasts are big, the prices are low, the toilets are in pretty good shape and the place is adorned with unintentional kitsch. The outside area is spacious and proper, and a few pieces of old fence effectively keep away the heavy traffic. It’s a pleasing environment, reminiscent of a cheap Mediterranean holiday.
Given that I was reviewing three breakfasts in one morning, I strategically ordered a selection containing two eggs, one sausage, bacon, beans and toast, but instead they gave me two sausages rather than one. It was the sausages that I was most afraid of, and there was no way that I was going to eat six of the bastards in one morning. All the sausages I ate that morning were cheap and dirty, but I was there for a budget fry-up so I wasn’t going to get free-range organic, nor should I have been naïve enough to expect any.
The waitress examined my plate and told me that they’d accidentally given me a free sausage. I was then forced, of course, to demonstrate my gratitude by eating the lot, which threw my strategy out the window.
THE RISING SUN, 275 New Cross Road.
VALUE FOR MONEY 3/5
Entering this café I already felt a little miserable. That feeling of doing something until you can’t do it anymore, rowing a boat, having sex, anything, and then having to do it twice more.
For £4.50 I ordered a pick-and-mix DIY breakfast. Egg, sausage, bacon, tomato and mushrooms. But it began to take a little while, until finally I noticed one of the employees sneak through the door with a slightly conspiratorial look on her face and a pack of tomatoes under her arm, which is why, I imagine, the tomato came sliced, charred, unseasoned and undercooked in the middle. With the breakfasts so similar, you’ve got to look out for the little things.
The café was clean and more upmarket than the other two, but not really any better for it. Although the sausage had little slits in it and the mushrooms were fresh and nicely cooked, the portion certainly wasn’t as large as Goldsmith’s, and with no outside seating it seemed like we already had a front-runner.
DELICIOUS, 363 New Cross Road
VALUE FOR MONEY 5/5
At £4.30 with tea or coffee included, Delicious was the cheapest of the lot. Their breakfast was the same but for a strange taste to their sausage, which I suspect came from frying it in some dodgy oil.
The décor was mismatched and tacky and the entire shop-front was opened out, allowing the cigarette smoke to pour in, giving the place a wonderful hint of greasy 90’s breakfast-time hedonism.
But this is where my journalistic endeavors come to an end, for I was incredibly full. As oxymoronic as it sounds I was a bloated waif. It was awful, the kind of bloatation that feels somehow irreversible, as though I would never recover. I was sweating and in the toilet mirror I could see that my face was a deep red and that I seemed to be weeping vegetable fat. As I went to leave, the guy behind the counter spotted my half-empty plate and asked ‘everything alright boss?’ ‘Fine, thanks, I’ve just got a massive hangover,’ I told him. Which was actually very true.