I think it was in Cosmo, or some other period rag, that I read the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Cos men love food, right? I mean, we all love food, and pretending that you don’t is so ‘08, you know? You’re a goddess in a chef’s hat. Think Nigella, think Raymond Blanc in a skirt, think Rick Stein, suggestively stroking a salmon fillet. We’re bad gal cooking. You too lads, there’s a Jamie Oliver deep inside all of you (ooh – saucy.)
So, we ready? In the kitchen, whisk in hand? Today kids, we’re going to be tackling alternative aphrodisiacs, what to cook when Bae’s coming over, food to get you in the mood for love.
Here’s four of my faves:
1. Branded Food
Oh. My. God. Is that a Waitrose sticker? £4.50 for a jar of pesto? This is what I like to see! I’m sorry, but brands do taste better. Don’t kid yourself. The people who say it all tastes the same are the kind of people who think a mattress on the floor ‘looks better anyway’. Don’t sleep with those people. They’re cheap and they don’t deserve you.
2. Babies. Eat them.
Disclaimer: this is only to be used for long-term link ups. You don’t wanna go breaking any hearts now, do you? But for those of you looking for something a little more serious this is a good one. Babies. Think veal, not Kutti pi (google it), we’re trying to be sexy, not scary. The questionable ethics of eating something fresh out the womb makes for scintillating dinner-time debates – (you’re a Goldsmiths student, you know you love to debate this shit) – and it’ll get them thinking about popping out a few of their own somewhere down the line too.
Illustration by Will Francis
Cake for cake, right? I’m not putting out for less than two courses, who do you think I am? Dessert is a must. And, if I may, in my infinite wisdom recommend you something, I recommend blancmange. The humble blancmange. Its off pink sheen is more than slightly reminiscent of a lover’s unwashed skin come morning.
Okay, so it’s not exotic, or wildly sexy. But you know what? Neither are you. Not all of the time. First date you is totally wild and sexy, I’m sure, but eventually we all reveal our true selves. We all pick our noses, we all secretly peel and eat the dead skin off the bottom of our feet, and we are all profoundly disappointing. Profoundly. Really, the most we can hope for in love is to not be too badly let down. And you know what never lets you down? Pasta. Pasta is always there for you. Pasta will wipe your tears and remember to feed your fish. Pasta be there for you at the end of a long day, warm and ready to fill you up with its carby goodness. So serve pasta and above all, be pasta.