Dear Miss Enfranchise
I’m four months from finishing my time at university and it’s all beginning to feel a bit real. I’m doing a social sciences degree and I have no idea what might happen to me when it finishes. My grades are average, I don’t seem to have found an area of specialisation, the anxiety is becoming overwhelming and I really don’t know where to turn.
You came to the right place, if there’s one thing that Miss Enfranchise can advise you on, it is this. Basically, all hope is lost. As this neoliberal juggernaut further establishes itself in our everyday lives, and as the free market explodes like the plague all over our collective face, anyone without a first class degree in capitalist exploitation might as well give up right now. Seriously. Move back in with your parents, get a crap job, go travelling six months a year with the money you have saved, and wait for them to die so that you can spend your twilight years in relative comfort. Hell, that’s what I’m going to do. Damn straight! They are the spoiled generation, and don’t you forget it! If, however, they didn’t buy a house when they increased eightfold in value a few years ago, hmm, well, you’re in a bit of a pickle aren’t you? Firstly, get out of London. This place will do you no good whatsoever. I hear Hull isn’t as horrifically drab as you might think, and there are many supermarkets up there. In fact your entire situation can be calculated with a very simple equation. Take your degree score and divide it by paper round, then multiply this by Asda – this gives you the square route of misery which you then need to multiply by the value of your parent’s home, which is zero. Finally, multiply this by job centre squared and you’ll find that the answer is Hull, forever.
I hope this helps and remember, don’t thank me, I’m just doing my job.