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Goldsmiths' Official Student Magazine

Dear Donald…

June 5, 2016
Please don’t have SEAL Team 6 kill me in my sleep, King Trump – our Lord and Saviour. Sincerely, Meiling DellaGrotte

Dear Donald,

I do hope it’s alright to call you Donald.

We get it, America’s pretty great. Where else can you buy food proportions large enough to feed a small army, anti-monkey butt powder and poo moulds for Play Dough all in the same shop? And don’t even get me started on how fantastic Girl Scout Cookies and Traders Joes are (and that wasn’t sarcasm, I genuinely love them)… But Donald, we really need to talk.

You’re giving Americans a really bad rep, especially those of us living abroad. Trust me, it was already hard enough trying to explain American politics –

Like, why is the government so inefficient? #GovernmentShutdown2k13

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Or, why don’t people like Obama? He’s actually done quite a bit done in the last eight years

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And, what’s with the glorification of guns?

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No, really…

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And while we might not have had all the answers to the questions thrown our way, we could at least handle them.

 

But trying to explain how you’re the Republican Presidential Nominee…

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We get it, you’re very very rich – and since you repeat it all the time, it must be a ‘fact’.

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But we also know that you inherited a large proportion of your fortune (thanks, Daddy Trumpbucks).

So why should we trust you with the economy?

Let’s just review some of your business ventures that were, for a lack of a better word, failures… Trump Airlines, Trump Beverages, Trump: the game, Trump Casinos, Trump Magazine, Trump Mortgage, Trump Steaks, GoTrump.com, Trumpnet, Trump Tower Tampa, Trump Vodka and Trump University – just to name a few.

That’s not to mention all the business you lost after calling all Mexicans drug dealers and rapists, or after calling for a ban on all Muslims entering the US.

I think that maybe, just maybe, you should be a tad more careful with your investments and choice of words – yeah?

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Especially when you say things like, “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

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Or when you mansplainingly try to justify rape culture.

 

And while you certainly are a character –

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We don’t want, let alone need, your xenophobic hate speech taking over the country.

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Building a wall between the US and Mexico is absolutely ridiculous. Even if it does come with a “big beautiful door,” neither the US taxpayer nor Mexico will pay for that atrocity.

Banning all Muslims from entering the country, even temporarily, will not end jihadism in the US. Contrary to your belief, no Muslim is actually in favour of this ‘policy’ – and if a Muslim judge (or anyone really) cannot rule impartially where you are concerned, then please go sit in a corner and think about all the things you’ve said this past year.

Even white supremacist groups are claiming that voting against you is “really treason” despite the fact that you are trying to deny any knowledge of said groups. Now come on, Donald. We all know that their support is a reflection of you, and we all know that the KKK are racist bigots living in a fantasy world chalk full of plantations of Jim Crow Laws.

Fact: Hate crimes have only gone up since you announced your candidacy and started spewing your terrorising rhetoric.

Even our national symbol is not a huge fan.

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I mean, you know you’ve done something wrong when North Korea supports your presidency.

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Donald, you’re making it extraordinarily more difficult to defend America – which was already a fairly daunting task considering the destabilisation of the Middle East, coupled with our refusal to accept any refugees, as well as the disturbing amount of gun violence within our borders which has resulted in some 13, 286 deaths in the past year – not to mention the absurdity of the ‘Bathroom Bills’ and other such anti-LGBTQ legislation.

But some of us can’t afford to be hated by our surrogate countries. We need them to like us enough so that we might be granted asylum during your dictatorship.

So if you could please do us all the favour of toning it down a lot, or just drop this farce of a nomination, that would be much appreciated.

Thanks, Donald.

 

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